Yes, it's true: Duke Nukem Forever finally has a release date. Oh frabulous day! Now we can rush right out to purchase what appears to be ... a generic ... Fallout-esque, shooter... thing. I know what you're saying "Ain't no way I'm payin' $59.99 for this!" Well, you're wrong. You might not pay $60 for it, but you're going to play it. I don't care if every game reviewer from here to Illium gives it a resounding 'F' (they won't, but more on that later), you're going to play it. Why? Because you have to.
If you're looking at this post, or if the the release date for Duke Nukem was even a blip on your radar, chances are you were a fan of the proto-wise-cracking hero from days of yore. Which brings me to reason number one why you are going to play this game:
Do you remember Duke Nukem? I mean actually remember the games, not your nostalgia-tainted fond memories of parts of the game. Nothing about Duke Nukem was ever innovative or ground-breaking.* They were all generic "like-this-game-but" sorts of ordeals punctuated by testosterone-fueled, chauvinistic quips and puns. Don't forget the game was initially built on the Quake engine (see below), and then the Unreal engine. This series does not have an original bone in its body! Duke Nukem is not the Phantom Menace. It cannot be as large of a disappointment as your inner-self is whispering to you as you read this, because there's not a mammoth foundation of awesome to destroy. So what I'm saying boils down to: really, other than $$, what do you have to lose?
Reason two you will play this game, is the same reason you've tried Twinkie wiener sandwiches or Sippin' Syrup: you know it's going to be bad, but you must sample it for yourself. No one can describe Battlefield Earth; it must be experienced.
Reason three you will play this game is, above all else: closure. Again, if you're reading this, chances are you remember the original announcement for Duke Nukem Forever, back when it was going to be built on the Quake engine. Wait... Quake? Wasn't that that Doom-clone from, like, 1997 ( look it up, kids)? Holy crap! Have we be waiting 14 years for this?! Shouldn't this game descend from the heavens on a fiery chariot and bring peace to the Middle East? Yeah, that's right. It should. So you're going to play it just so you can marvel in the banality that will come from a game this long in development.
And then you'll drink a few beers, find the fun parts, the funny lines and the token good boss fight, and in 10 years you'll look back at it with the same fondness on which you look back at the original Duke Nukem.
*Gentlemen, start your flamers. I stand by this statement, wrapped in asbestos.
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